00:00:00:01 - 00:00:23:06
Ibi
Okay. So let's start. Obviously we've been we've been living together now for like, one, ten days in this co living in this castle in Normandy. What firstly, what a random coincidence. Secondly, I actually don't know much about you, so I mean, tell me in tell me more about yourself, Tracy. Especially about this whole digital nomad writing a book.
00:00:23:06 - 00:00:30:16
Ibi
Stuff that I've, that I had no idea about until you. You flicked that in, then to the conversation. Tell me about it.
00:00:30:18 - 00:00:58:07
Tracy
Well thank you, Abby. What a great intro. I'm Tracy Bellevue. I'm from Bellevue abroad, a brand that I'm building, a travel brand. And I've been a digital nomad for, I'd say one year total, but spread across two years. And I'm traveling through Europe. I'm an American. I'm a mom, a sister, a writer.
00:00:58:09 - 00:01:06:21
Ibi
A mom, a sister, a writer. I love that. Okay, let's start with the basics. How do you make money as a nomad?
00:01:06:23 - 00:01:09:23
Tracy
That's a very good question. And one, I think.
00:01:10:00 - 00:01:25:17
Ibi
The funniest diamond jump in that I heard a funny story about you flogging Trump, t shirts. So that was actually allegedly flogging Trump t shirts. Very good story, by the way. But, how do you make money as a nomad?
00:01:25:18 - 00:01:46:19
Tracy
I've always been a hustler. I, I come from a family of immigrants. And so, my family immigrated from Haiti to America, and I think watching my parents work ethic has taught me that there's a thousand ways to make money. You just have to be willing to get creative and get out there. For me, I have my hand in many dishes.
00:01:46:19 - 00:02:18:00
Tracy
I work in marketing, so I help small brands make marketing campaigns and do their Google ads, for their exes, for really anything. So I've helped build some brands from nothing. You know, I have a candle making idea into an entire campaign. I've done, like, what's legal? And, what can I legally share? What I, I, I've tutored, I, I would say marketing is my main income.
00:02:18:02 - 00:02:33:00
Tracy
Now I have a blog on Substack that is, I review blog for co-living, and people can subscribe at a set amount, and I make a little bit of income from that now, which is nice, but primarily marketing.
00:02:33:02 - 00:02:53:03
Ibi
Fantastic. And you know what's awesome? Hey, you've mentioned a lot of things, right? You've, you've that's a very, diverse, set of income streams. And we've, we've talked about that one before, and I know a lot of people that think, oh, can this work as a model? Tracy, tell us, how long have you been a nomad, that this has been a it's.
00:02:53:05 - 00:03:18:21
Tracy
I've been a nomad since 2020 for August. So it's a it's been about I don't know, a year and a half and yeah, it absolutely can work. Like I said, you really need to be willing to put yourself out there to make connections, ask for help, and and try things you never have before because you never quite know if you're good at something until you jump into it.
00:03:18:21 - 00:03:37:01
Tracy
And I think you may work in one field, but your skills can apply to many others, and you have to take the chance and try. And there are definitely hard months where the income is not as big as I would like. But then there are some months where I can budget and save and I make a good amount.
00:03:37:01 - 00:03:48:02
Tracy
So it it really is kind of, make as you go philosophy, but it allows me the freedom, I think, to travel in this way and to think it's worth it.
00:03:48:04 - 00:03:55:12
Ibi
I love that, I love that, okay, so let's start from the beginning. Right when you first were.
00:03:55:12 - 00:03:56:15
Tracy
Born.
00:03:56:17 - 00:04:00:21
Ibi
Again. Let's do that. I want to hear that. Let's start.
00:04:00:23 - 00:04:04:00
Tracy
Oh no. Oh my God. In 1992.
00:04:04:01 - 00:04:17:12
Ibi
How did it. No. How did it go? What was the thing that said, oh, I want to be a nomad. Said, oh yeah, this is the time that said, this is deep within me to be nomadic on one. What was it?
00:04:17:13 - 00:04:44:04
Tracy
I was working two jobs about 70 hours a week in America. I was a full time maiming to two teenage boys. And, I remember thinking, I'm going to die if I keep doing it this way. I just was, like, really getting burnt out. I, I didn't even know if there was anything else out there. I just knew I couldn't continue doing this.
00:04:44:06 - 00:05:11:05
Tracy
And I think once I started putting that into the universe, like, things kind of fell into place, for me last summer, my two teenage boys decided that they wanted to stay with their dad. And, you know, we kind of decided as parents that it would be better for them as well. So I went from being like a full time Monday through Friday, mom, to like my house was like empty.
00:05:11:07 - 00:05:34:18
Tracy
And so now I'm working 75 hours a week and I'm, like, haunting the halls of my own home and and realizing that because I was such a young mom, my entire life and identity was kind of wrapped into taking care of others and being a full time caregiver. And so at that point, I realized, hey, I really lacked, like, an identity.
00:05:34:20 - 00:05:53:05
Tracy
And I was lucky enough that my cousin, who's also my best friend, was going to Europe, and she was like, I'm going for six months. She had just burnt out of a tech job. She was an Ivy League, you know, girl. And she just was like, I can't do it anymore. I'm just going to go. And so I was like, I'm just going to go with you.
00:05:53:09 - 00:06:24:04
Tracy
So I quit both jobs, broke my lease, sold my car for cash, out all my savings, and I said, let's go. And I really had no plan. I had no income. I just had my savings and, we jumped. We really just I was grateful and lucky that my children were really supportive. And, you know, their fathers were really supportive and, and I knew I had wanted to do a specific project.
00:06:24:04 - 00:06:43:15
Tracy
I really wanted to write a book. But I knew that I couldn't write that book in America. It was just too close to the memories that I was. I was going to be writing about it. So it just, like, all fell into place. It was like the kids moved. My cousin was going. So I had a, you know, safety of someone I knew.
00:06:43:17 - 00:07:04:10
Tracy
And I had the I had I had a good egg nest of money, and I just knew it was time to write the book. So we left. They left and we booked a co-living in Switzerland. It was like the only thing we booked in the in the Swiss Alps and we left August 2025 oh August 2024, 2024.
00:07:04:10 - 00:07:21:01
Ibi
Yeah, I can't believe what I'm hearing. Oh my God, I'm Tracy. See, I knew you were full of surprises. Yeah, okay. I have so many questions, but the first question is, what did those first 30 days look like when you were abroad? Oh.
00:07:21:03 - 00:07:41:20
Tracy
I think because as I was leading up to it, it was like one thing after another thing like wrapping up an entire life, like moving everything, selling everything I owned, like, just really like go, go, go. I worked like, double shifts to make extra money right before I, I mean, I was, I was moving every second I wasn't laying down, which was very little time.
00:07:41:22 - 00:08:03:12
Tracy
So I think right when we got to Switzerland, I was kind of I kind of crashed like I was so silent, like, I mean, it was like walking into a postcard, but it was also, very difficult to go from that kind of movement to complete stillness and the co-living that we had chosen in particular, we had no idea about the lifestyle.
00:08:03:12 - 00:08:26:12
Tracy
We had no idea about the place. But the add on co-living dot com said something like yoga classes and group dinners. And so I was kind of putting all my mental health eggs in the basket of community would catch me. But when we got there, we discovered that there were two co-living, like one town apart, and we were in the very quiet one.
00:08:26:13 - 00:08:44:01
Tracy
So there was no events and there was no group dinners, and it was just like three guys and my cousin and I and those three guys were also, you know, one was obsessed with mushrooms and we never saw him. And then one guy had just gotten into our car accident the day before, and we never saw him. It was silent and it was really, really hard.
00:08:44:01 - 00:08:59:21
Tracy
The first two weeks I spiraled. I like, I like, I had braids down to my waist and I ended up cutting them shoulder length. I actually was thinking about going home and like checking myself into, like, mental health, like a mental health. And so I was like, I'm just like, really? This isn't what I thought it was going to be.
00:08:59:21 - 00:09:24:14
Tracy
And I feel so unregulated, so very difficult. But right around the second week, we figured out how to catch the bus, what to do, and life kind of opened up. We were able to get to the second co-living. We had community and I really like blossomed again and like found my footing. Like when I look at those journal entries are so full of life and, happiness.
00:09:24:14 - 00:09:39:17
Tracy
You know, like, I really found a regulation. I had to kind of build my own regulation instead of depending on other people. And, it was a really beautiful experience, from the crash to the to the rise. It was incredible.
00:09:39:18 - 00:09:43:07
Ibi
Wow. Oh, wow. You guys.
00:09:43:13 - 00:09:46:23
Tracy
When I retell it. Oh my gosh. God damn, damn.
00:09:47:00 - 00:10:14:11
Ibi
I know I'm captivated. There were questions in my head, but they've just. No, no, I, I'm stuck in the story. How did we get from the the spiraling and from those first days, the struggles in those first days, what was what was the thing that changed? When did it click? How did it click? How did you deal with those first spirals and what kept you going?
00:10:14:11 - 00:10:19:10
Ibi
Why didn't you just go back?
00:10:19:12 - 00:10:53:08
Tracy
Honestly, I did a lot of hiking the Swiss Alps, just stomping around in the mud all alone with me and the and the nature. I shut off my phone. I disconnected, and I think I tapped into the energy that got me to leave in the first place, which was remembering that, like I craft my own life, I, I choose and, it's always my decision to change my perception of a situation and I started grounding in gratitude.
00:10:53:10 - 00:11:11:15
Tracy
I was like, I, you know, it's it's amazing I'm here that I have this opportunity and that I'm able to even experience this some people never leave their hometown. And, you know, maybe that's good for them. But this was something I had dreamed of doing when I was 15 to 18, before I had my kids. And I never thought I would be able to travel.
00:11:11:15 - 00:11:36:09
Tracy
And then there I was in the middle of Switzerland. So grounding and gratitude meditation, really having some deep conversations with my cousin, my best friend and, and the other housemates was like finding a deeper connection with others and and reconnecting to myself, because I think I had lost that in the panic of those first two weeks of being like, well, now what do I do?
00:11:36:11 - 00:11:53:13
Tracy
You know? And it was like, you do the thing that you had always dreamed of doing, like sitting still and like shutting the fuck up. And I'm really looking inwards and, you know, like I had all the answers. But I think we forget that sometimes, you know, now there's a hell of a journey.
00:11:53:15 - 00:12:02:00
Ibi
And yeah, it sounds like it. And then when did it click?
00:12:02:02 - 00:12:28:20
Tracy
I once I cut off all my hair, like I cut my hair to shoulder length, like I have, ADHD and, borderline personality disorder and, anxiety. So like, like very neuro spicy. So I think once I cut my hair, it gave me it like was a less stimulus, I think happening like I think I was like almost like, over stimulated in my own body because I had gotten my hair done right before I left for Switzerland.
00:12:28:22 - 00:12:48:11
Tracy
So, like, I didn't know it was bothering me, but like, honestly, I cut my hair and like 40% of the anxiety and stress was gone. I was like, oh, okay, I'm just overstimulated. All the time. And then I had done a meditation where it was like I had kind of run down the track. Of each decision. I was like, if I go home, what will that look like?
00:12:48:11 - 00:13:19:12
Tracy
And I kind of envisioned it and lived through it, through that meditation. And then I thought about what it would look like if I forged ahead and just kept going. And I and I, I knew that I, I was on the right path, like this was the right path for me. And I may not have I may have an idea of what I want it to look like, but just having that next right step illuminated by, you know, reinvigorating into my project and my book really helped me like, calm down.
00:13:19:12 - 00:13:43:01
Tracy
It's like I don't need to know every answer, but if I if I follow my gut and I do the next right thing and I follow this project, I know what I'm supposed to do, then it will. I'll be okay, you know? So I think it was a combination of like, sensory relief and, and trusting myself and, visualizing is a lot of coping skills.
00:13:43:03 - 00:14:11:15
Ibi
Yeah. It's interesting actually, some of the things that you're mentioning sound very, even applicable in the business world. Honestly, that's what's coming to my head. Like, breaking down that complexity, it sounded like there was a lot of different things happening, a lot of, ambiguity. And you just kind of have to break things down into smaller chunks and take them step by step.
00:14:11:17 - 00:14:14:02
Ibi
You know, build the puzzle.
00:14:14:04 - 00:14:43:09
Tracy
Do you catastrophize. I think that's like the thing. It's like you can take something that feels like a mountain and you break it down into smaller, bite sized pieces and you can swallow it. And that that one coping skills, like, changed my life as a very, like, dramatic, wild, just a really hectic human being before like in my early 20s, if I'm going from 16 to like 24, I was really like a hurricane, of emotions.
00:14:43:09 - 00:14:53:01
Tracy
But it was like I was really making things so much bigger than they needed to be. And once I sat and kind of broke things down, it's like, you can you can handle anything if you take a step by step.
00:14:53:03 - 00:15:15:06
Ibi
Let's change tack slightly. Let's talk about money. What did you do for those first months? Was it a reliance on, previous savings or a combination of savings and working? Was there an approach? Was there a plan of how you were going to support yourself in the long term?
00:15:15:07 - 00:15:41:08
Tracy
What, fiscally responsible question? I had no plan. I had no plan. And, I lived off my savings for quite a while. It was really cheap. Honestly, it's so much cheaper here. So I think I thought I needed more money. Plus, people had gifted me money, like, you know, like I would my parents, like, everybody had, like, giving me their a little bit to be like, we, you know, we want you to go and enjoy and figure it out.
00:15:41:10 - 00:16:04:09
Tracy
So I really lived off that savings for a long time. For a long time I didn't want to work. I think I was just exhausted with working. So much. And I was like, I can't imagine even pretending to dance around for a dollar. So yeah, I really, was grateful to parcel for planning and plotting really well.
00:16:04:10 - 00:16:32:16
Tracy
But it wasn't until probably like four months in that I like, started doing things. And even in those like those first beginning months, I like, made an Upwork. For marketing. I what else did I do in those first few months of all kinds of funny things, I had one thing where I like, there was a, I don't know if I can say this, and I have to cut this, but there is a dating app called Not Dating App.
00:16:32:16 - 00:16:52:02
Tracy
There was a an app for women created to tell men like to tell other women things about men they had dated. So it's like it's called like tea or something like that, you know, like for safety purposes, you know, this person is, you know, a jerk or this person, you know, stole my money. So don't trust him if you date him.
00:16:52:02 - 00:17:14:10
Tracy
And then there's that. Men decided to make their own app, which turned out to be more for bashing women and whatever else. I'm sure there were some men on there that were trying to protect themselves as well, but it turned into like a really ugly situation and it was all over TikTok. And what I did was to like women were discovering that this app existed and they were like, well, am I on it?
00:17:14:12 - 00:17:36:23
Tracy
And you couldn't really get on it if you were a woman, you needed like a men's I.D. and you needed a men's profile. Like they really were strategic about letting people in. So I had a friend who made a profile, and essentially I was like, if you want to know if you're on this website, have a link, pay me 5 or 10 bucks and I'll go, Jack, I'll take a screenshot of whatever it says about you and I'll send it to you.
00:17:36:23 - 00:17:57:08
Tracy
And I made a lot of money. I made a lot of money doing that because, like, I mean, I also felt like I was helping people because some of them are really crazy, and I and I just was like the, the giver of information. But because I had access, I was able to kind of leverage that for, income.
00:17:57:10 - 00:17:58:16
Ibi
Selling information.
00:17:58:22 - 00:17:59:21
Tracy
Allegedly.
00:17:59:23 - 00:18:02:15
Ibi
Allegedly selling information.
00:18:02:17 - 00:18:06:20
Tracy
This could be a story made up for comedic purposes.
00:18:06:22 - 00:18:42:04
Ibi
Yeah, it's just an idea. So if anybody has a similar idea, feel free to write in, fantastic. Okay, I love this. And, you know, it's very entrepreneurial. I must say, regardless of how the story goes or, or sort of, the legitimacy of the idea as an entrepreneurial venture, it's clever. There's supply and there's demand, and you recognize that there was demand and you captured the supply.
00:18:42:06 - 00:19:10:03
Tracy
Yeah. I'm quite I have quite a skill for that. Definitely. Yeah. Similar to that Trump story that we were discussing in which Trump had been shot in the ear. And yeah, I basically being there was a very iconic photo, and allegedly I put that on a t shirt and I sold those bad boys. I sold those bad boys, like the day after it happened and I made a dollar.
00:19:10:06 - 00:19:34:14
Tracy
I think I'm really. I think I'm good at, like, understanding, like I'm trying to find a more long term ways to make money. But I'm very good at like that, that quick turnaround, understanding the need for supply and demand and meeting it. So that's good. Like I definitely inherited a lot of like skills from my parents, you know, like they were really they are really hard working people who kind of built their own empire after immigrating to America.
00:19:34:14 - 00:19:50:22
Tracy
So I feel lucky in that way that I have those I got a great education. You know, I, I'm grateful for my upbringing. As tumultuous as it was, I still think it gave me what I needed to kind of be a hustling.
00:19:51:00 - 00:20:17:22
Ibi
How do you deal with the uncertainty? How do you deal with the fact that there's no regular income coming in? I'm sure there's many listeners, let's call them listeners from countries like Germany who are going to say, oh, yes, I have to have my regular income coming in every month. Otherwise it doesn't work out nicely. How do you deal with that uncertainty when there's skeptics out there who are like, oh no, four months from now, what if I don't have money?
00:20:17:22 - 00:20:26:08
Ibi
When right now you're making you're seeing the opportunity and bang, you're on the dollar.
00:20:26:10 - 00:21:01:00
Tracy
Good question. I think I deal with the uncertainty by having a really ironclad trust in my ability to always save myself, like I will. I will never allow myself to be destitute. So it's like when the time comes to move, I will move. And I trust that in whichever direction. And then there's also like a faith in like, I mean, I'm not very much a religious person, but like a spiritual person, like the universe is how I put it.
00:21:01:01 - 00:21:21:23
Tracy
And I think the universe has always come through for me in the sense that, like when I speak it into existence, I know, I know it's coming, and that opportunity sometimes comes like to like I'm supposed to leave a living on the 31st. I have no plan. I've booked nothing. It's the 27th. And like, maybe I start to sweat.
00:21:21:23 - 00:21:40:08
Tracy
Like I want to get nervous, but I'm like, I know the right thing will find me. So I just lean into reconnecting with my connections and letting them, like networking with my friends and being like, hey, like I'm looking for my next opportunity. I send out that signal like I do the work on my end to reach out.
00:21:40:10 - 00:21:55:19
Tracy
You know, I look for opportunities. I'm online, but I know that the right one will come to me and I promise you, like on the 28th, so many times someone calls me, they're like, hey, we have a great place. We have an opportunity, we have a volunteer. Do you want to come stay with me here? Do you want to come and do this?
00:21:55:21 - 00:22:25:19
Tracy
So it's like a it's a bit of trusting yourself to know that you will move when necessary, create when you have to. And also a faith that even when things go wrong, they're falling into place for something better. So you have to there has to be a sense of trust in yourself. Because if you're living, I think from a fear based reality where you're like, I'm scared, I'm nervous.
00:22:25:19 - 00:22:43:05
Tracy
I need to have enough. It's like, I if I have, you know, my backpack and me, I have enough and I is there are some months where I really make like 20 bucks, but there are other months where I'm making 2000. And I know I need to budget and think ahead. And plan and save and I do that.
00:22:43:07 - 00:23:02:19
Tracy
So it's like it's it's never assured, but I, I trust myself, implicitly, I want to say that's the word I trust myself without without feel like I it's what got me here like that. I think it was that first jump from America to here with no plan. That was really where it was like I had to believe that I could save myself no matter what.
00:23:02:19 - 00:23:22:14
Tracy
And now that faith is so ironclad, you know, it hasn't failed me. I, I'm two years in and yeah, like I said, there are some months you're eating pasta and nothing else. And there's some nuns where you're eating at the best restaurants and you're surrounded with the best people and, you know, but each moment of those grows me.
00:23:22:14 - 00:23:28:16
Tracy
And it's worth it's worth the risk of, not knowing.
00:23:28:18 - 00:23:48:05
Ibi
It doesn't escape me. Crazy that we are living in a castle right now. In the middle of Normandy in France. And, I, I saw your room when we were trying to get rid of the wasps. And it was a very nice room. And so, you know, whatever, whatever you're doing, it seems to be working.
00:23:48:05 - 00:23:51:15
Ibi
You are in, in a suite in a castle, from the looks of it.
00:23:51:17 - 00:24:12:10
Tracy
Yeah, even that was a really cool opportunity. Like, I, I, I that wasn't like an ad that they posted saying they were looking for volunteers. It was nowhere online. I just saw that they were doing a writing retreat in November and I said, I, I'm going to be there, period. Whatever I need to do, I'm going. But financially, I knew I did not have the money.
00:24:12:10 - 00:24:37:17
Tracy
So I spent a week really crafting this thoughtful email that was like, why I wanted this opportunity, what it meant to me. And I got it. And even the person who read my email and accepted me was like, yeah, we had like, I don't know, 30 people had filled something out to do this. And but I read your email that was really thoughtful and impactful, and I just knew you were supposed to be here.
00:24:37:17 - 00:25:01:09
Tracy
So I said yes. And so it's like sometimes it's like really about putting yourself out there and like, the universe will meet you where you where you go, but you have to go somewhere. You have to do something, you have to take some sort of action. But like there is, I don't know, a force of, of calling command that will always meet you when you get up and, and make an effort.
00:25:01:11 - 00:25:22:15
Tracy
So yeah, I know it's wild. Sometimes I sit up there and I'm like, goddamn, that's great. That's really crazy. That you really manifested some shit like this, manifested and acted, you know. So no, I know I'm very, very grateful. These past six months have been insane. I've had the best opportunities and the craziest stories, and even when it was bad, it was good.
00:25:22:17 - 00:25:52:12
Ibi
It's really interesting. One thing that I really believe in is that luck is the combination of opportunity and preparation, and I really believe that people say we get lucky and we, you know, or people say about others, you got lucky. But really there was an opportunity there and there was no wastage of time. And in capturing that opportunity and you were ready for the opportunity, you saw it.
00:25:52:14 - 00:26:15:04
Ibi
You were like, I want to do this, I want this opportunity. And you said, how long did you spend crafting this email? Like a week, a week crafting a single email and an opportunity which was not confirmed. There was no there was no cash on the table of someone waving something and saying, here, take it. No, it's you make your own fucking luck every time.
00:26:15:04 - 00:26:33:15
Tracy
Every time. Yeah, I love, I love that thing that that like is a combination. It's definitely a combo. Yeah. And a and that you can you get to choose you know like I know they say like the glass is half full or half empty and idea. But it's like your perception of a situation is how you are going to react.
00:26:33:15 - 00:26:53:13
Tracy
And you always have the option to look at a situation like I could have said, okay, like they're probably booked, they're probably full. Like, you know, the timing to fill out this application or whatever was, you know, filled out like there's just no chance and not even taking the shot. But it's like I just I'm like, I'm going to keep an open mind.
00:26:53:13 - 00:27:04:09
Tracy
I'm going to be positive and I'm going to take action. And I think that's that's a combination of what grants you something that you could call luck and I, I love that saying.
00:27:04:11 - 00:27:30:18
Ibi
I'm coaching. I'm working with a client right now who asked me a really interesting question. They said, what is self-confidence? How can I have more self-confidence? Can you teach me how to be self confident? And I have my own thoughts on the topic, but you come across to me as someone who's incredibly self-confident, and I'd be curious to hear what you have to say on it.
00:27:30:20 - 00:28:09:12
Tracy
Damn, that's so crazy! What a compliment! Haha, just seeing how far I've come. Wow. I think it's a combination of, rewiring the brain. Like, I definitely had a lot of negative self-talk and was really, really just hard on myself. So I did the consistent and hard job of like, rewiring my brain. I was like, every time I had a really shitty thought about myself, I would like follow it up with like an over the top positive comment and whether or not I believed it, I would repeat it and kind of sit with it.
00:28:09:14 - 00:28:27:13
Tracy
And I did that a lot for like ten years of therapy. And I'm not saying it took ten years, but I think even over time, like even after a few months, I could just tell that my brain instead of me, something, you know, happens that's kind of negative. And then I follow the path of, like, I fucked it up, I'm a loser.
00:28:27:15 - 00:28:51:12
Tracy
I'm ugly, I'm stupid. And instead of that quick path that my brain always takes, I would detour to this new path I was creating that was like, no, you know, I made a simple mistake. People mess up. This doesn't define me. I'm very intelligent and driven. And so it's like, it's almost like, your brain is like a track and the track that's been hollowed out from use is kind of a negative one.
00:28:51:12 - 00:29:13:20
Tracy
So if you want to build a new neural pathway, you're going to have to do that with effort and time and dedication to rebuilding your your perception of yourself. So, you know, they say make it till you, fake it till you make it. And I think to some extent it's true. You know, I, I now find I don't experience those negative thoughts very rarely.
00:29:13:20 - 00:29:34:18
Tracy
And if I do, I know how to, to combat them. And then there's also a sense of there's also the practical sense of like doing different things, like trying different things and broadening my horizons to see that I may not be good at this thing, but there's so many other things I'm good at and and if I dedicate myself to any kind of a skill, I'll get better at it.
00:29:34:18 - 00:30:02:10
Tracy
And that reinforces the fact that you have value, you know, outside of not what you can produce, but the fact that you can get better, you can change, you can grow. And that is where I draw a lot of my confidence from, intrinsically like we as people, we, we are, we go on, we're very intrepid. And I think if you can, I think it takes a thousand bricks to build a personality and a confidence in yourself.
00:30:02:10 - 00:30:29:03
Tracy
But it definitely starts with these small steps of reevaluating your own thinking. You know, I definitely had post-it notes all over the place that were I would read them when I opened the fridge or when I got to my toes. That were very positive mantras that I had, nuggets that I already believed in. You know, like you are, you know, smarter than you think or you've overcome everything to even be in this moment, just these little things.
00:30:29:03 - 00:30:42:12
Tracy
And as I read them, they reinforce my brain. And, you know, I think it's a long journey to loving and accepting yourself. But it it starts with action and steps and and it's possible.
00:30:42:14 - 00:30:43:16
Ibi
Fantastic.
00:30:43:18 - 00:30:46:17
Tracy
And yeah, I do yap about it a lot.
00:30:46:21 - 00:31:05:18
Ibi
Yeah. Yeah. No I really love it. Okay. So we went, down a nice little, a nice little rabbit hole there, I think. And it got deep. I like that, I.
00:31:05:20 - 00:31:32:14
Ibi
Let's let's move on to the future. Let's move on to where you see yourself going. Let's move on to, I heard on the grapevine that you, you were writing a book I heard on the grapevine that, you know, there's there's projects that are coming your way that, you, even considering going back to the States for some time after all this years of traveling.
00:31:32:16 - 00:31:35:11
Ibi
Tell me a little bit more about that.
00:31:35:13 - 00:31:56:21
Tracy
Yes. So I'm going back to America in December on the hopes of finding the right book agent and eventually the right, publisher for my book. I of, like, so big on where to start.
00:31:56:23 - 00:32:27:04
Tracy
So the book is essentially a collection of letters from me to real people in my life, and every chapter is is a different person. There's a little bit of an intro and, a kind of big final chapter, but, it's called the Apology tour. And, as someone with borderline personality disorder, I was very bad at relationships of any kind.
00:32:27:04 - 00:32:56:11
Tracy
Really? The only sustainable one I held from 16 to probably 24 were like my children. And I really prided myself on being a good mother. But outside of that bubble, I had, I was just a monster, to put it, to put it lightly. Borderline personality disorder is a is one that skews your version of reality.
00:32:56:11 - 00:33:17:17
Tracy
And so you constantly are on guard, and you can be very manipulative and you can be very, self-centered and narcissistic in some ways. And during my period from 16 to 24, I was really just very.
00:33:17:19 - 00:33:43:17
Tracy
Detrimental to the people around me who were all trying to help me and loved me. And so I really felt like I after therapy and, and kind of recognizing why this happened and, feeling the guilt and the shame, I felt like I needed to apologize to those people. I feel like some of most all of them, really, all of them needed to be vindicated in some way.
00:33:43:17 - 00:34:24:13
Tracy
Because I think when you're friends with somebody who's mentally unwell, and self-centered, you can kind of have these moments where you don't even know what parts of your friendship are real or not. What parts of your relationship are real or not. And I just I did a lot of really awful, almost, I would think, unforgivable things. And so I feel like this book is owed to those people, but it's also, I think, owed to myself in a way, to let go of some of this grief and, and shame and remorse, because it for a long time was guiding my, my life like as a, like a deep undertone.
00:34:24:15 - 00:34:59:12
Tracy
So it's very candid. It's really ugly. But yeah, I think the right place to finish it is still, you know, each chapter gets progressively worse and more intimate until like the last six chapters are family. And, I feel like I want to finish it with them. I want them to be able to read it and because their real names will be in the book and, my real name will be in the book, and the names of the people harmed will be changed.
00:34:59:14 - 00:35:15:08
Ibi
Yeah. How does that fit into the the whole nomad part of you? What is are they connected to they are they intertwined in some way or are they absolutely separate parts of your identity?
00:35:15:10 - 00:35:40:02
Tracy
No, I think they're very intertwined. I think I needed to know I really had no close friends, like no very no people that were really intimately close to my life when I left, America because I didn't let people in, because I was very much like a recovered monster. So now you know you're capable, you know what you're capable of, and so it's you.
00:35:40:03 - 00:36:08:17
Tracy
I was fearful to let anybody into my life. And when I came to Europe, one of the things I wanted to pursue was friendship. Like relationships again, like, really to let people into my life. And I was very lonely and looking for community. And so the space from America allowed me to write the book, have a peaceful place to write the book in which I was in a mother or a sister or something connected to somebody else.
00:36:08:17 - 00:36:37:23
Tracy
I was just Tracy Bellevue, and everybody I met just met Tracy Bellevue, the person I was today. And that allowed me the the like final, I think piece of my healing to be able to write this book and like I found so many deeper connections and it's really like it's like you can know you're healed and you can believe it, but sometimes it takes having that outside perception to like, solidify it.
00:36:38:01 - 00:37:09:22
Tracy
Like I really am aware that I'm not that person anymore. And I think it was like the final part of of healing for me was this whole living and this nomadic experience to know I could rely on myself, to know that I could connect with others, to know that to have the space to write the book. But I always knew I'd have to go home to do it to, to, to really because all of the people I harmed are there and it feels almost cowardly to come here and to publish it here, knowing that maybe they would never see it.
00:37:10:00 - 00:37:41:08
Tracy
It's like I need those people to read their chapters, and I hope that that helps. I'm in some way like it's it's the purpose and, and and the grounding of it is, is those, those people deserve that. And so it was nice to come here and find peace and community and healing. But I know it's like coming to the point in which it's time to go home to really kind of give birth to to this project.
00:37:41:10 - 00:37:49:18
Tracy
Give birth is crazy. That crazy.
00:37:49:20 - 00:38:20:15
Ibi
I think you're touching on a really interesting connection between location and personal and someone's personal life. I think a lot of travelers face this identity crisis where they're far from their family. They're constantly traveling. The space is useful, the space is helpful, and helps us heal and helps us, connect with parts of ourselves that we didn't before and reflect back on the other.
00:38:20:15 - 00:38:40:16
Ibi
The other part of of our lives. But the fact is, the other part of our lives is still there, never really goes away. How do you see this connection between between you know, your family and your identity and and your current location?
00:38:40:18 - 00:38:48:16
Tracy
How do I see the connection? That's a good question. No.
00:38:48:18 - 00:39:18:19
Tracy
Maybe the connection is. Is, I guess is is you like, we we are the bridges between our our homes, our past lives, those realities I keep going even though we're not there. And this life, you know, we are kind of the travelers in between, the ones who carry the stories of of both of both places.
00:39:18:21 - 00:39:39:07
Tracy
I don't know, that's a good question. It's a good. You stumped me. Yeah I don't know. It's like I to marry them is difficult to, to be you know like I, it's very hard to go on because you, you're not the same person anymore. You know, like every traveler I've spoken to said something like, you know, like I, you just change the road, changes you and grows you and pushes you.
00:39:39:07 - 00:40:01:04
Tracy
And where everybody who's stable and at home is like learning in, in perhaps more consistent increments, because it's like you live in one place, you go to the same job, you do the same thing. But here it's like you have to learn a skill and push and grow and whatever. You have to stretch faster and, and, you, you suck up a lot more, but you learn a lot, a lot more about yourself.
00:40:01:04 - 00:40:20:06
Tracy
So when I go home, it's like I'm I think it's a beautiful thing not to to still be the same person. And it's hard when you go home and you see that everyone has their lives have continued on without you, and they are also different. You know, nothing. Nothing feels like home anymore. It's like I am my home as a traveler.
00:40:20:06 - 00:40:24:05
Tracy
I ground myself in myself.
00:40:24:07 - 00:40:26:11
Tracy
If that makes sense.
00:40:26:13 - 00:40:34:00
Ibi
And makes absolute sense, there's a lot to unpack and a lot to explore there. But, we've actually run out of time.
00:40:34:01 - 00:40:39:05
Tracy
This is easy. I was so nervous. It's like, I don't know what to expect with the good questions.
00:40:39:07 - 00:40:47:19
Ibi
It was a lot of fun, Tracy. I really appreciate that. And hopefully we can even have a follow up to this and even, dig into it in a bit. Some in some more detail. Some.
00:40:47:19 - 00:41:01:04
Tracy
Yeah, I know, we'll see who knows where we'll be next time we meet. I love that about co-living and being a traveler. It's like, I can't wait to hear your stories. The next time I see you and all your adventures and I'm really proud of you and your podcast.
00:41:01:06 - 00:41:06:08
Ibi
Thank you travelers. Never say goodbye. And then they say, till next time. So till next. And Tracy Bellevue.
00:41:06:13 - 00:41:08:15
Tracy
Thank you. Thank you, Abby, for having me.
